FEELING LIKE A FRAUD

kingsdown kent

So I got shortlisted for two blog awards yesterday.

(She says uber-casually, trying to be all super cool about it.)(Actually what happened is that I made a very squeaky sound at the first nomination and then full out cried at the second.)

I honestly was not expecting it. At all.

I’m in this weird paradox of feeling super happy and excited that I’m shortlisted… but also feeling like a complete and utter fraud.

Because my little Anxiety Goblin is rearing it’s butt-ugly head and telling me that I don’t deserve this.

And I’m having a hard time not believing him.

This time last year I was on top of the world. My blog was going from strength to strength, I was super happy with the content I was creating, and I was just… happy.

I was reading through my archives last week, looking for inspiration, and I found this post from just before my birthday. And it made me cry. (And I’ve just re-read it and it’s made me cry AGAIN.)

I was so happy.

I can feel the squishy good vibes radiating from every word… but I don’t recognise who that person is anymore. And that scares me.

And I think what scares me most is that I don’t know WHY I’m feeling like this. I have the best boyfriend in the world, an amazing family and incredible friends. I have somewhere to live. I have a job that is no longer chewing me up and spitting me out.

I’ve just been shortlisted for two blog awards FFS!

And yet… I still feel disconnected and undeserving. There are so many amazing, AMAZING bloggers, ones I know personally, who are absolute killing it at the moment with their content. So what the hell am I doing on that list, when they’re not?

I know I don’t talk about my anxiety very often. I’ve mentioned it a few times here and there, but it’s not something I like to bring up, mainly because I’m constantly worried about being judged for it.

I’m not great with feelings.

The thought of putting my scared, sad, anxious thoughts on the internet scares the bloody bejesus out of me. Every time I write one of these posts I get a big old tension knot in my tummy because, I pretend not to, but I’ve always cared far too much what people think of me. It’s probably one of my biggest failings.

But this time feels different, and I need to get it off my chest.

I’ve been suffering with anxiety since I was about 17 and had my first panic attack in the staff room of the shop I worked in.

I was convinced I was going to die, because I was on my own and I couldn’t breathe and had no idea what the fuck was happening to me. Luckily, one of my colleagues came downstairs, found me, explained what was happening and helped me calm down.

Since then, it comes and goes. It used to flare up a lot when I was at uni, then completely went away for a few months, before it started popping back up again about a year ago.

About a fortnight ago, I had my first panic attack in about 6 months, on the day we found out we’d have to move. I think I scared poor old Gary a bit, cos he’s not seen me have one before, and it was kind of a brutal one. But he managed to calm me down enough for me to pass out and sleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling much better, but since then it’s been hanging around my head like a dark cloud and honestly? It’s not much fun.

I’m hoping it clears the hell off soon, because 1) it makes me not much fun to be around and 2) I want my inspiration back. I feel like my creativity has completely drained away and all I want to do every night is go home and read my book…

But that stops now.

Because I want to make you guys proud, and I want to prove to myself that I AM worthy of that nomination.

So tonight I’m going to eat pizza and cry with Jaye; I’m going to giggle at the supportive (and hilarious) Whatsapp images coming through from my Bangarang girls; I’m going to get a good night’s sleep and go to the gym in the morning. And then I’m going to come back stronger than ever and knock this blog right outta the park.

I guess what most I wanted to say with this whole massive rambly post is: thank you.

Thank you for nominating me.

And thank you for believing in me, even when my own faith is being shaky. ♥︎

  • reneejessome

    You totally deserve those nominations! You may not feel like you do right now because that’s just what anxiety does, it makes you question absolutely everything. You feel like a shell of your former self. I, along with many others, deal with anxiety also so you’re not alone! :) Trust me, your blog and its contents are amazing and you deserve those nominations plus more!

    Renee | Life After Lux

  • Katy you most certainly definitely deserve this nomination! And as for your friends they’ll be rocking the whole blogging thing too, just because a lot of people didn’t get shortlisted doesn’t me their blogs are crap and they don’t deserve anything. We all know how hard us bloggers work on our blogs, and our passion shines through our writing. I know what it’s like to question everything and feel like you don’t deserve things and it’s not good enough but honestly you’re doing great girl! Keep doing what you are doing and believe in yourself xx

    Claire ❤ | My Little Memoir

  • Oh Katy, I’m so sorry to hear that your anxiety has come back! Life is weird, and sometimes it’s hard to explain why we’re feeling a certain way. It’s so good to hear that you’ve got amazing friends around, an amazing boyfriend and everything. You totally deserve both of those blog awards, so congratulations!! Hope you’ll feel better soon. xxx

  • The nominations are so well deserved lovely!

  • Your nominations are 100% deserved! You’ve worked hard on your blog and it shows. Time to kick that anxiety’s butt! X

    Everything But The Kitchen

  • I think you’re one of the best and most original bloggers out there and I think you totally deserve it! I love reading your blog because you make me happy and it brightens up my day whenever I feel a bit sad and anxious myself… Keep going and congrats on the nominations! xx

    franalibi.blogspot.co.uk

  • You so deserve those award nominations Katy, but I know how it feels when that black cloud comes over you and makes you question everything. Hope you’re feeling better soon lovely thing, it helps to talk about it xxx
    Sophie Cliff

  • Ah my love sorry the pesky Anxiety goblin has come out to play, they really are a pain in the arse aren’t they? I really, really hate that nasty cloud they create after a panic attack – it can be so incredibly hard to shake off, even if everything around you is amazing! You absolutely deserve your nominations, you are killing it! Have a lovely chilled weekend, lotsa wine, lotsa brunch >:) Immy x

    http://www.immymay.com

  • Such a great post!! I absolutely love that picture

    Lots of Love,
    BLOG | TAISLANY

  • David Steedman

    Fantastic post, don’t listen to the anxiety goblin (I hear he’s friends with Trump). This was so full of honesty it only proves you deserve the nomination :)

    The Casual Columnists

  • Charlie Elliott

    We’re going to have ALL the prosecco and sing ALL of the road trip songs and celebrate ALL of the wonderful things we’ve done over the last year and it will be ALL of the wonderful. Like you. You’re wonderful. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Jessica Thoma

    Love how honest you’re being about how you feel! Katy I absolutely love reading your blog even if I don’t comment every time, I really really enjoy it, so believe me you completely deserve these nominations. I’m no stranger to feeling small and like everyone else is better at this or that especially when it comes to my blog so I really get where you’re coming from but just know that there’s people (like me) who love it when they see a new post going up on your blog :) xx

    Jess | http://www.jess-inretrospect.blogspot.com

  • Sweetheart we would NEVER judge you – well, the readers and people who matter wouldn’t judge you. I’ve become far more vocal about my mental health and constantly fear judgement, but actually your honesty makes me respect you MORE. Anxiety is horrible and sadly affects all too many of us. I’ve started to realise that i can turn this negative experience into a positive, by sharing my story and hopefully connecting with others. It’s OKAY not to always be okay, no shame in that.

    For what it’s worth, you were the name I was most excited to see on that shortlist. I never miss your posts, you are always so lovely on social media and you truly deserve it. I hope some day you can see this. Please be kind to yourself and take time to acknowledge what you HAVE achieved. Anxiety is powerful but it is also passing – it won’t always be like this, i promise xx

    Bumble and Be

  • You are 100% worthy of the nominations ok? Your blog is beautiful and you are one of the most relatable bloggers I read! You didnt beg for the nomination either which I applaud – I unfollowed a few people for spamming my feed with this! I genuinly hope I can get a ticket to the event and meet you!

    Anxiety is a complete bitch and its easy just to say ignore it, but I know all too well it wont be ignored! Hope you fight the little bugger :D

    Charlotte| http://www.shoestringchic.co.uk

  • Sorry to hear you’re feeling so down and anxious! It’s a horrible thing to have to deal with, and well I kinda just wish it was something we could easily get rid off. How good would that be? I just need to say that I think you are definitely deserving of this nomination! It doesn’t matter how many times you post on here – whether you miss a week or two – each one is absolute quality, and I always love reading your new posts!

  • Katie Williams

    Aw hun anxiety is the little deviln and effects the best of us. You of all girls deserve everything. I’ve read your blog for 2 years and I have loved seeing it and you grow. Take it easy and give yourself space and time to breathe. You have had a lot going on with the flat move so you deserve some chill time. We are all here for you. Rooting for you, girl!
    Katie x x

    Littlekaatie.com

  • Katy you’re incredible and your blog hugely deserves the nominations! You work so hard. I really hope your anxiety goblin leaves you be so that you can enjoy your moment and feel more inspired again xx

    Ioanna | hearting.co.uk

  • An incredible post! It takes a lot of courage to do what you did, and you will absolutely thank yourself in the long run :)

    Check out my latest post l xoxo, Redhura

  • You’re amazing. That is all.
    M x

  • I’ve said as much in person (because I’m lucky enough to have you as an IRL friend, as well as an internet friend) – I get it, and you’re awesome. I am so rooting for you at the BBA’s – as they are announced I’ll be in the airport at Vegas, refreshing twitter like a madwoman, cheering you and my other lovelies on. Thoroughly deserved nominations, my sweet.

  • You are worth it my lovely!!