(She says uber-casually, trying to be all super cool about it.)(Actually what happened is that I made a very squeaky sound at the first nomination and then full out cried at the second.)
I honestly was not expecting it. At all.
I’m in this weird paradox of feeling super happy and excited that I’m shortlisted… but also feeling like a complete and utter fraud.
Because my little Anxiety Goblin is rearing it’s butt-ugly head and telling me that I don’t deserve this.
And I’m having a hard time not believing him.
This time last year I was on top of the world. My blog was going from strength to strength, I was super happy with the content I was creating, and I was just… happy.
I was reading through my archives last week, looking for inspiration, and I found this post from just before my birthday. And it made me cry. (And I’ve just re-read it and it’s made me cry AGAIN.)
I was so happy.
I can feel the squishy good vibes radiating from every word… but I don’t recognise who that person is anymore. And that scares me.
And I think what scares me most is that I don’t know WHY I’m feeling like this. I have the best boyfriend in the world, an amazing family and incredible friends. I have somewhere to live. I have a job that is no longer chewing me up and spitting me out.
I’ve just been shortlisted for two blog awards FFS!
And yet… I still feel disconnected and undeserving. There are so many amazing, AMAZING bloggers, ones I know personally, who are absolute killing it at the moment with their content. So what the hell am I doing on that list, when they’re not?
I know I don’t talk about my anxiety very often. I’ve mentioned it a few times here and there, but it’s not something I like to bring up, mainly because I’m constantly worried about being judged for it.
I’m not great with feelings.
The thought of putting my scared, sad, anxious thoughts on the internet scares the bloody bejesus out of me. Every time I write one of these posts I get a big old tension knot in my tummy because, I pretend not to, but I’ve always cared far too much what people think of me. It’s probably one of my biggest failings.
But this time feels different, and I need to get it off my chest.
I’ve been suffering with anxiety since I was about 17 and had my first panic attack in the staff room of the shop I worked in.
I was convinced I was going to die, because I was on my own and I couldn’t breathe and had no idea what the fuck was happening to me. Luckily, one of my colleagues came downstairs, found me, explained what was happening and helped me calm down.
Since then, it comes and goes. It used to flare up a lot when I was at uni, then completely went away for a few months, before it started popping back up again about a year ago.
About a fortnight ago, I had my first panic attack in about 6 months, on the day we found out we’d have to move. I think I scared poor old Gary a bit, cos he’s not seen me have one before, and it was kind of a brutal one. But he managed to calm me down enough for me to pass out and sleep.
I woke up the next morning feeling much better, but since then it’s been hanging around my head like a dark cloud and honestly? It’s not much fun.
I’m hoping it clears the hell off soon, because 1) it makes me not much fun to be around and 2) I want my inspiration back. I feel like my creativity has completely drained away and all I want to do every night is go home and read my book…
But that stops now.
Because I want to make you guys proud, and I want to prove to myself that I AM worthy of that nomination.
So tonight I’m going to eat pizza and cry with Jaye; I’m going to giggle at the supportive (and hilarious) Whatsapp images coming through from my Bangarang girls; I’m going to get a good night’s sleep and go to the gym in the morning. And then I’m going to come back stronger than ever and knock this blog right outta the park.
I guess what most I wanted to say with this whole massive rambly post is: thank you.
Thank you for nominating me.
And thank you for believing in me, even when my own faith is being shaky. ♥︎