I’m a pretty fast eater.
Always have been, ever since I was a little girl. (That’s something else you probably didn’t know about me.)
I feel like all I’ve ever heard at meal-times is a mixture of: “SLOW DOWN KATHERINE”, “woah, you eat fast” and “you know if you want to lose weight you should probably start eating slower…it’s healthier for you too.”
Like, yeah, I get it. I’ve heard ’em all a million times. And it’s not like I haven’t tried to go slow. I’m just naturally a fast eater.
Even though I’m the most talkative person in my family, I still somehow manage to eat faster than all of them. (And YES I chew with my mouth closed, because obviously, because ew.)
It’s just a thing OK? I’ve given up even trying anymore.
So because of this, I’ve always been slightly intrigued by food challenges. Y’know what I mean… The Man vs. Food, how-much-can-you-eat-in-a-small-time-frame, stuff-yourself-til-you’re-full ones.
I’ve always thought I’d actually probably be quite good at them. Like, it could be my secret talent.
MAYBE I’M MEANT TO HAVE A TV SHOW CALLED KATY vs FOOD.
Who knows? It could totally happen.
So when Dirty Bones got in touch and suggested I try their Mac Attack Burger Challenge? I thought about it for all of 2.34 seconds and then said HELL YES. Cos every food challenger/TV foodie presenter has to start somewhere right?
(I also dragged Lauren into it with me because I was definitely NOT doing this alone!)
Just look at that thing!!!
(And by “thing” I mean the burger. Not the horrific yellow tinge on my photos that happened cos LOL I didn’t realise my white balance settings were all wrong until it was too late…)
This, my friends, is THE MAC ATTACK. Three beef patties, stacked between two brioche buns, topped with a combination of rich BBQ pulled pork, creamy mac’n’cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and onion.
This king of burgers then sits on a throne of Dirty Fries (skinny fries topped with chilli cheese sauce, cactus salsa and grated cheese) and MORE mac’n’cheese.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to shovel this entire plate of food into your mouth. In 10 minutes. TEN. MINUTES.
And yes, they time you. Oh and you’re not allowed to drink anything at all during the 10 minutes.
Scared, Potter? You should be.
Were we scared? Oh yes. OH YES.
But we were prepared. We had a strategy. WE HAD GOOGLED ADAM RICHMAN’S TIPS FOR FOOD CHALLENGES.
Tip #1: Light/nonexistent lunches, plenty of water in the morning and nil by mouth from about 2pm onwards (our table was booked for 7pm)
Tip #2: Eat the hot stuff first. So meat and fries and mac’n’cheese. The bread would be fine cold so save that til last.
Tip #3: If you start to feel full, get up and do a “Shake Down Shimmy”.
I mean, we were totally taking this seriously (LOL. Shake Down Shimmy.)
The watches and rings came off, the hair was pulled back, the cameras were at the ready. The burgers arrived (along with a healthy dose of judgement from our surrounding diners)…
AND WE WERE OFF!
… Aaaand we failed.
Because obviously.
I’m not even sure Adam Richman himself could have done that in 10 minutes.
I asked the waiter how many people had successfully completed the challenge and he said that in the month it’s been running, they’ve had about 30-40 people take on the challenge… and only one of them completed it. ONE.
My dreams of having my own Katy vs Food TV show were crushed.
Though he did say we put in a pretty solid effort, and actually did even better than a lot of the dudes. (Apparently not a lot of girls take this challenge. Me and Lauren are special snowflakes. Special snowflakes who love food A LOT.)
OK so, challenge aside, the food was actually pretty great.
We both ADORED the Dirty Fries and thought the burgers were OK but not really juicy enough for our tastes. The pulled pork was very saucy and very rich and very yum, the mac’n’cheese was creamy and delicious, if a tad under-seasoned.
The venue itself is very cool, the service is brilliant, the cocktails are amaaaazing, and I’d definitely love to go back again sometime.
Mainly so I can try the food at a relatively NORMAL pace and enjoy it properly!
It would be a fab place for a date, even if just for cocktails and a sharing dish of Dirty Fries. Though if you’re feeling really brave and really want to impress your date, why not give the Mac Attack Challenge a go?
Cos everyone knows that nothing says ALLURING quite as nicely as smushing your face into a three-tiered burger does.
And that’s a fact.
DIRTY BONES
20 KENSINGTON CHURCH STREET
LONDON
W8 4EP
*We were gifted our meal in exchange for a review.
As always, thoughts and words and funny faces are all mine! :)
